A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:
Rampage Jackson had his charges of subway fare beating dropped and he's back from hiding out in the mountains of Big Bear, California. Now he's in training camp for his title fight against UFC light-heavyweight champion Jon Jones, scheduled for September 24.
Still, controversy seems to follow Rampage everywhere he goes, and he has found himself embroiled in yet another high profile scandal. This time the big story is his recent allegations that Jon Jones had planted a spy in his camp. Jones and his manager, Malki Kawa, have vigorously denied the accusations, but Rampage stands by them. I did some digging to get to the truth of this matter, and my startling report is below.
There is indeed a spy in the House of Rampage. In fact I spoke with him at length about his spying activities inside Jackson's training camp. Although I know the identity of the spy, he spoke on the condition of anonymity, so I cannot reveal his name. He even went so far as to insist on wearing a mask and disguising his voice, despite the fact that the interview would be written.
My first question for the confessed spy was: "Why?"
"That's something that I've been asking myself for weeks." he replied. "Rampage is a friend of mine. Betraying him like this is killing me."
"Then why do it?" I asked.
"Two words," the spy said. “Malki Kawa."
I waited for him to explain.
"Malki's got me by the short and curlies," the spy said at last. "He’s blackmailing me."
"That’s the thing that’s so crazy about this," the spy explained. "He told me that if I didn’t start spying on Rampage, he’d tell Rampage that I was spying. To prevent that, I started spying. And now I have to keep spying or else he’ll tell Rampage that I really am spying. It's a vicious circle. I know it sounds ridiculous, and I don’t really even know how I got talked into it, but that's Malki Kawa for you. He's smooth--very smooth. The guy can talk. I mean, how do you thing he wound up managing Jones in the first place?"
"I don’t know, how?"
"About a year or so ago Jones was in Vegas," the spy revealed. "Malki was there too. Originally from Florida, Kawa had to get out because he'd sold some bad real estate to a Cuban cartel down in Miami. He needed to lay low for awhile and became a 3 card monte player in Vegas. He set up his 3 card monte stand on sidewalks around the Strip. Jones walked by one day, starting playing, and next thing you know he was into Malki for thousands of dollars. To even up, he made Malki his manager."
I was in shock over that revelation and told the spy so.
"I told you Kawa was smooth," he said.
"So what kind of information have you been passing back to Malki?" I asked.
"Well, the hand injury thing of course," the spy said. "And reports of Rampage's training habits, which have been terrible for this fight. His head just doesn't seem to in it. He's not focused on Jones. He's been living in both the past and in the future, but he's not in the present."
I pressed the spy for more details.
"Ok," he said. "Here are some examples. Rampage loved fighting for Pride in Japan, right? What people don't know is that as a result, he's addicted to Japanese porn. He searches adult video stores high and low for the latest Japanese porn titles, and watches them instead of training. That's one thing.'
"Another is that he constantly imitates Chuck Liddell," the spy continued. "He says that by pushing out his belly so much, he's working on his abs, but the real reason is that he wants a cushy executive job with the UFC--like Chuck got--after he hangs up the gloves. When he's not watching J-porn, he's doing his Chuck impersonation and chugging Nyquil by the bottle. It's crazy."
"Yeah. And he's delusional too. The Nyquil has him imagining things. He's got himself convinced that he's going to be starring in a remake of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Says Will Smith is going to remake the show and has already casted him as Carlton Banks. He's losing it, I'm telling you."
Because these allegations were so outlandish, I demanded proof, and as you can see, the photographic and video evidence is indisputable. The spy's revelations ring true.
"So what's next for you?" I asked. "Are you going to continue spying? How will you break Malki's grip?"
"I've been thinking about that," the spy explained. "Talking to Malki face to face would only make things worse, of course. He's that slippery. So I'm waiting until I'm in the Octagon with Rampage. I intend to grab the mic and fire Malki publicly, like Matt Mitrione did. It's the only way."
Our interview was cut short when the spy got a text advising him that Rampage had passed out at the gym. Seems Jackson has an interview scheduled for tomorrow on Good Morning, Texas and he's been preparing for it by chugging Nyquil and forcing himself to stay awake for days on end. It's appears that he really wants to be a UFC executive. We wish him well in that endeavor, and also his future acting career and his fight with Jon Jones.