Welcome to Rear Naked Joke, MMA's version of The Onion.  The following articles are not true.  They are fake news articles and are written in jest.

Warning: Some of these articles have been known to make certain MMA fans extremely angry.  Even though they are merely jokes, MMA is serious business...and as a result, I have been berated, insulted, threatened with violence, threatened with death, and threatened with things even worse than death.  If you find yourself getting into a murderous rage while reading these, please close your browser.  

Proceed at your own risk.

A RearNakedJoke.com Exclusive

Antonio “Big Nog” Nogueira, the Brazilian MMA legend, caused quite an uproar recently when he said that he’d rather not train with gay people.  In an interview with UOL Sports, (translated by Tom Mendes of Bloody Elbow) Nogueira said:

"I have no prejudice against the gays, but I wouldn't train with someone who's gay.  I have no malice, I don't take our physical contact as (something) sexual.  But what if the gay person has that malice of having physical contact with me, of staying there grappling?  I would have no problems having a gay student in my academy, but I would rather not train with him."

This statement set the MMA blogs and forums on fire, and there has been much discussion about the topic.   Now, in an exclusive interview with RearNakedJoke.com, Nogueira sets the record straight.

“I have my reasons for not wanting to train with gays,” he told our Brazilian correspondent.  “And it goes back to Japan.  It’s very difficult to talk about, but the truth must be known.”

A RearNakedJoke.com Exclusive

The "Veteran Voice of the Octagon" Bruce Buffer has added a new gig to his resume.  He's now spokesman for Tide Detergent.  And to celebrate his newfound high paying role, Bruce says he'll turn the "Buffer 180" into the "Buffer Washing Machine."

The exclusive video above shows how Bruce intends to introduce UFC fighters using his new signature move.  You have to watch for awhile to get to the actual introduction because the Buffer Washing Machine has a long spin cycle.

Bruce is excited to be with Tide.  "It's a dream come true," he said.  "I'm gonna clean up!"

Bruce also told reporters that he's going to change his (May) tag line from It's Time to It's Tide, which is sure to create a buzz among both fight fans and middle aged housewives.

We here at RearNakedJoke.com wish Bruce Buffer well in his new endeavor.

A RearNakedJoke.com Exclusive

Former UFC fighter Kimo Leopoldo was living a quiet life in retirement when he awoke one morning, turned on his computer, and discovered that he’d been reported dead by various news organizations, including TMZ.  At first Kimo, who was still a bit groggy from a rough night of partying, believed the reports he read on the Net.  He looked around his dilapidated apartment and assumed that he’d been sent to Hell to suffer for all of eternity.  However, after several cups of coffee and a shot of Winstrol, Kimo realized that he’d been the victim of a hoax.

The hoaxer, one Beau Taylor, also known as One Man Army, or OMA for short (and we do mean short), had posted a message on the Underground Forum, a subsidiary of Matbattle.com, stating that Kimo had died the night before of a heart attack in Costa Rica.  News of Kimo’s death spread quickly throughout the mixed martial arts community, and eventually got picked up by legitimate news sources, such as TMZ.  TMZ actually “confirmed” the rumor in their reports, which cemented OMA’s legend on the forum, and made Kimo’s head hurt—even more than his hangover.

In response to the hoax, Kimo held a press conference at the Orange County Sheriff’s Department, where he debunked the rumors of his demise.  He also stated that he intended to sue TMZ and wanted to “meet” OMA, presumably to kick his ass for what had happened.

A RearNakedJoke Exclusive:

As we reported recently, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson was photographed allegedly jumping the turnstile at a Los Angeles subway station in order to beat the fare.  An All Points Bulletin was released, and authorities urged Jackson to turn himself in.  The former UFC champion eluded capture, however, and remained at large, reportedly living in the rugged mountain area near Big Bear, California, subsisting on nothing but crickets, canned energy drinks and an old Punishment Athletics T-shirt that he’d found half-buried beneath a tree.

However, in a startling twist to the story, it turns out that the perpetrator of the subway incident was not Rampage Jackson at all.  Arrested this morning was one Antoine “Rapepage” Jackson, a man who shares Quinton’s last name and bears a startling resemblance to the MMA star, but is of no relation.

Red-faced authorities have dropped all charges against the real Quinton Jackson, and have issued an apology to both the fighter and to the UFC.  However, UFC president Dana White feels the apology does not go far enough.

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

One of TV's most popular sitcoms, Married with Children, is back, thanks to the deal reached between the UFC and the Fox Network.  The show was a staple for 10 years, from 1987 to 1997, and has become a television cult icon.  Ed O'Neil played Al Bundy, and will be returning to that role in the new version of the program.  He is the only cast member returning to series.  O'Neil, a blackbelt in Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, is happy to be back playing the character that made him famous.

"It's a beautiful thing," he said at a press conference announcing the new program. "I haven't had my hand down my pants for years.  I miss my nut sack."

UFC personnel will round out the cast.  The part of Peggy Bundy will be played by UFC CEO Lorenzo Fertitta.  Brother Frank will play sister Kelly, and Dana White has been cast as Bud Bundy. Neighbors Marcy D'Arcy and her husband Jefferson will be played by top MMA reporters Loretta Hunt and Josh Gross, who have recently been welcomed back into the UFC fold, as we reported yesterday.

Two prominent MMA journalists, Josh Gross of ESPN and Loretta Hunt of Sports Illustrated, have long been barred from UFC events, due to disagreements with UFC president Dana White.   White’s expletive-laden video blasting Hunt for an article that he deemed “fucking retarded” went viral on the Internet before being pulled by the UFC.  In that clip, White called Ms. Hunt a “liar” and “fucking dumb bitch” and a “fucking moron” (twice).    The tough-talking UFC president also yanked her media credentials, as he did to Josh Gross, who had released some TUF inside information several years ago.

Both journalists, however, were at the Fox Sports/UFC press conference where it was announced that the Fox Network would be joining forces with the UFC in a deal worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

Many people, from fans to media types, were quite surprised to see Hunt and Gross at the press conference.  A reporter from RearNakedJoke.com (coming soon) caught up with Dana White and asked him why the two formerly banned reporters were allowed to the presser.

“I don’t hold grudges,” White explained.  “Lorenzo [Fertitta, UFC Chairman and CEO] and I sat down and had a discussion about this—we were at a ballgame actually—and  I told him that it was time to let bygones be bygones and welcome Josh and that fu—other reporter back into the fold.  It was the right thing to do and it was all my idea.”

However, exclusive footage taken at the ball game in question by ace MMA reporter Gordo tells a different story.  Although the camera was too far away to pick up the actual dialogue, White’s body language seemed to indicate that it was Lorenzo Fertitta’s idea to re-credential Hunt and Gross, not his.  We’ll let you decide, based on the actual film of their discussion, which we have for you after the jump.

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

Los Angeles--Chael Sonnen, the embattled UFC middleweight contender, recently took a shot at beloved UFC Octagon girl and Playboy Playmate Arianny Celeste.  At a press conference before UFC 132, Sonnen shocked the crowd when he said of Ms. Celeste:  "I don't mean to be rude to a girl, some guys like that short, fat hips thing."

When informed of the comment, Arianny took the high road, saying that she thought it was “cute” that Chael  “was looking for a reaction.”

If a reaction was Sonnen’s goal, he succeeded wildly, because Playboy founder Hugh Hefner just weighed in with some scathing comments of his own.

Hefner held a press conference earlier today to announce his new position as spokesman with Pfizer, the makers of Viagra.  After answering some hard questions about his new role, Hefner was asked about Sonnen’s comments.

“Is Chael Sonnen really man enough to be disparaging Playboy Playmates?”  Hefner asked.  “His testosterone levels say no.   Maybe he should quit while he’s ahead, like he did in the Anderson Silva fight. “

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

More legal woes for UFC light heavyweight title contender Quinton “Rampage Jackson” as surveillance footage from  a Los Angeles subway station shows the legendary fighter attempting to avoid paying the fare by jumping over the turnstile.  Fare-beating is a class 3 misdemeanor is California that carries a one hundred dollar fine.  Due to the fact that the perpetrator is known to be Rampage Jackson, an All Points Bulletin has been issued.

Although California authorities are urging the former UFC champion to turn himself in and face justice, the department spokesperson we spoke to seemed sympathetic to his plight. “We’re encouraged by the fact that he’s using mass transportation rather than actually driving,”  she said.  “But he still needs to pay his fare.”

Still unknown at this time is why Jackson was riding the subway while wearing MMA gloves.   The question was put to UFC president Dana White at a hastily called press conference.

“Am I concerned about the gloves?  Yeah, I’m concerned.  Here’s the thing:  those gloves are not UFC gloves, okay?   They’re some other brand.  And that brand never paid their sponsorship fee.  Well guess what?  Nobody gets a free ride.  If you don’t pay, you don’t play.  Rampage wearing those gloves?  That’s fucking illegal.”

“Will he be fired?” someone yelled from the crowd.

“Yes and no,”  Dana said.  “His fight with Jones is already set so we may have to wait until afterwards to  terminate his contract or not.”

“What if he wins?”

“Yes and no.”

A reporter stood up.  “Does Jon Jones know about this situation?”

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

UFC president Dana White announced today that he is embarking upon a Hair Replacement Therapy (HRT) treatment program that will eventually afford him a full head of luxurious locks.  At a press conference this morning in Las Vegas, White told the assembled MMA media:  “Do you want to be a fucking baldy?  I don’t.”

Members of the MMA press started firing off questions, the kind of hardnosed, hard hitting questions they’ve developed a reputation for.

“Do you think having hair will make you an even better UFC president?” one journalist boldly asked.

“I’m gonna be the same UFC president,” White answered.  “I’m gonna wake up each morning, put my pants on one leg at a time, then crush the fucking competition and hear the  lamentations of their women fighters. Doesn’t matter if I have hair or not.   Next question. ”

A  reporter jumped to his feet.  “Hi Dana, I have a question.  By the way, I just want to say that I think you’re going to look great with hair.  Not that you don’t look great now.  It’s just that with hair you’ll look even, you know, greater.  Anyway, my question is:  When you have hair, will the fans who love the sport—and who thank you for making the sport of UFC what it is today—will those fans still continue to enjoy the best fights on Earth, with the best fighters on the planet,  competing in the best organization in the world?

White nodded.  “Good question, and it’s a fair question.  Tough but fair.  My answer is this:  Like always, hair or no hair, the fans will get what I give them.   And they’ll fucking like it.  Okay?  Business as usual.”

At this point the crowd of reporters launched into an impromptu rendition of For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.  Afterwards, Dana dimmed the lights and began a slide show presentation of various artists’ conceptions of how he might look post-HRT.

The press conference ended with an 18 minute standing ovation by the reporters and a promise by Dana White of an all new impending “huge” announcement.  Stay tuned.


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