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Welcome to Rear Naked Joke, MMA's version of The Onion.  The following articles are not true.  They are fake news articles and are written in jest.

Warning: Some of these articles have been known to make certain MMA fans extremely angry.  Even though they are merely jokes, MMA is serious business...and as a result, I have been berated, insulted, threatened with violence, threatened with death, and threatened with things even worse than death.  If you find yourself getting into a murderous rage while reading these, please close your browser.  

Proceed at your own risk.

KimboHughes

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

Matt Hughes was supposed to be fighting Deigo Sanchez later this month, a fight Matt was looking forward to because Diego was "another Christian," which meant that basically God would decide the outcome and Matt didn't have to stress out in training.  However, God was apparently not digging this match up, because Diego wound up with a broken hand and had to pull out of this fight.

This left a barbarian at the gate, namely one Josh Koscheck.  I'm not sure about Josh's religious beliefs, but in Matt's eyes at least, this fight has turned from being a Holy War into a Crusade, and Matt is looking to give Josh a beatdown of Biblical proportion.

To help him in that quest, Hughes has brought a guardian angel into his camp, the Holy Grail of MMA fighters, Kimbo Slice.  Kimbo, the former backyard fighter and bodyguard to porn company execs, has been training hard with Hughes over the past few days and there has been no turning of the cheeks when they spar.  Hughes explained his decision to bring in this unlikely sparring partner into his camp.

"Kimbo is a sinner," he explained.  "He covorts with porn stars.  I was preparing for fellow clean-living Christian Diego Sanchez, but now I am going against a heathen.  I felt that by bringing in Kimbo, it would give me an edge in the fight.  He gets down and dirty in sparring."

Kimbo was excited to be a back in MMA in any capacity, even if only as a training partner.  "All day, all day,"  he said.  "That's how a [N-word] eat.  I'm helping Matt get some bread so I can get some bread.  Today we're gonna work on how to watch out for that metal thing."

We'll find out if Hughes's unusual training regimine will pay off for him on September 24 UFC 135

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Dana White all growed up!.  Kid pic courtesy of Dana's Mom, June White.

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Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Silva has just found his pot of gold.  Silva this week signed a contract with General Mills, makers of Lucky Charms, one of the most popular cereals on the market today.  At a press conference today at General Mills' corporate headquarters, Silva wowed the crowd of reporters with his leprechaun costume and authentic Irish brogue.

"Where did you pick up that accent?" one reporter asked.

"In the Michael Bisping fight," the Brazilian fighting legend quipped.  "He was after me Lucky Charms!"

Silva went on to say that he'd signed a five year dealer with cereal company and that he could very well be hanging up his MMA gloves.

"For 15 years I've been an axe murderer," he explained.  "Now I'm a cereal killer."

We tried to contact Dana White for his reaction, but he was still trying to locate Nick Diaz so he could fire him for missing the press conference yesterday and was unavailable for a comment.

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(New UFC Spokesman Vince Black)

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

After all the dramatic twists and turns of the Nick Diaz vs. GSP missed press conference drama that resulted in Carlos Condit fighting GSP instead of Diaz and Diaz fighting BJ Penn instead of Condit, Josh Gross of ESPN made a Twitter post that said the events reminded him of a WWE type storyline. He said:

"UFC needs to tread carefully and go nowhere near pro wrestling scripted storylines. The entire Diaz episode feels manufactured."

This prompted UFC president to Tweet that "Gross is such a moron," a statement which neither affirms nor deny's what Gross said, but nonetheless was direct and to the point and certainly not unexpected.

It's hard to say if this "feeling" that Gross has, and his expression of it, will result in his UFC credentials being yanked again, after they were only recently reinstated.  Also unknown is the impact, if any, of the Tweet on Gross's co-starring role with Dana White in the new version of Married With Children on the Fox Network that is development.

Last night, in a move that is sure to further tittilate fans, the UFC ssued a press release stating that they have a new spokesman who would be addressing Gross's Twitter comment today. His name is Vince Black and this morning, as promised, he held his first press conference.  The hot topic, of course, was Josh Gross's Tweet.

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

Mriko Crocop has one of the most important fights in his career coming up later this month against Roy Nelson at UFC 137.  Right now he's on a 2 fight skid, both losses by KTFO, and his fight with Nelson is a must-win if he wants to remain in the UFC.  To get in the best possible shape for the bout, Mirko has enlisted the help of Mistress Cassandra, one of the world's top dominatrixes

"Mistress Cassandra is my new conditioning coach," Crocop said.  "She's whipping me into shape."

In this excluisve pic from inside Crocops's training camp, he certainly does look leaner than he has in his past few fights.

 

CCWhip

 

"Her regimine makes the Dolce diet look like the supersized menu at Micky D's," Mirko said.

Crocop not only changed his conditioning coach for this bout.  He's moved his training camp from Croatia to Japan, the country where he had his greatest MMA moments."

"I'm going back Japan," Crocop said.  "I want to train the old school way.  I'm really doing my homework for this fight."

 

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A RearNakedJoke.com Exclusive:

Dana White’s penchant for cursing during interviews is well known. When the UFC was strictly a PPV venture, it didn’t really matter.  But now that he and the Fertitta brothers have made a deal with Fox Sports, and the UFC is going mainstream, his cursing has become an issue.  He’s been asked about the reasons behind his foul language in recent interviews, but his answers have always been vague.  Now, however, in this startling exclusive interview, Dana reveals the roots of his potty mouth.

“Dana,” I said, “one of the biggest things you are known for is the dropping of F-bombs.  You curse all the time and make no apologies.  Where does that come from exactly?  Why do you do it?”

Dana sat there for a moment, rubbing his chin.  “You know,” he said at last, “I’ve never told this to anyone, but the South Boston Irish Mob gave me my potty mouth.”

My eyes went wide.  “Really?  How so?”

A RearNakedJoke.com Exclusive

The YouTube video of Brock Lesnar blowing up prairie dogs has caused uproar in the prairie dog community.  Their spokesman, Dramatic Prairie Dog, or DPD as he’s more familiarly known, held a press conference today to condemn the shootings and to demand an apology from Lesnar.

“He’s a murderer,” DPD said.  “A stone cold killer and we’ve got the video to prove it.  Where are the authorities?  How is Lesnar not under arrest?”

When a reporter pointed out that killing prairie dogs is not illegal, DPD flipped out.

“That’s insane!” he shouted.  “What the fuck is wrong with you humans?  You worship those filthy little ground hogs, and even give them their own day, but you can’t pass a single law against hunting prairie dogs?  How do you live with yourselves?”

“What will you do about the killings?” asked a journalist in the crowd.

“We’ll continue to fight back.” DPD replied.  “We’ve been successful at keeping Lesnar out of the Octagon and will continue to do everything in our power to keep him from ever fighting again.”

“How so?”

DPD looked around and lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.  “We’ve got a secret weapon,” he said.  “Digger, come out here.”

From behind the podium, a furry little creature appeared.

“This is Digger, the Wonder Gerbil,” DPD explained.  “He’s one of the world’s top rodent stars.  His first big break came in Richard Gere’s colon and he’s been clawing his way to the top ever since. You know Brock’s diverticulitis?  Well it’s not.  It’s gerbil-gonna-bite-us.  We’re kicking Brock’s ass from the inside.  And we won’t stop until he stops killing prairie dogs.”

The crowd erupted with questions, but DPD refused to answer any more of them.  “I can see my own shadow,” he said.  “I have to go.”

“But you’re not a ground hog!” a reporter shouted.

“Fuck you!” said DPD before disappearing down into a hole in the ground.  “Ffffffuuuuuuuu!”

We’ll have more on this story as it develops.

(Actual photo!)

A RearNakedJoke.com Exclusive

Tim Kennedy is not only a successful mixed martial artist, he’s also a Special Forces sniper in the  U.S. Army.  And now that he's grown a magnificant pornstache (above), the Green  Beret may very well be adding  a brand new job to his already impressive resume: Porn star.

Kennedy has all the tools necessary to succeed in porn.  First and foremost is his gigantic set of balls, which have been on display throughout his military career, both in Iraq and Afghanistan. Couple that with his glorious pornstache, which he debuted his Facebook page recently, and it's easy to see how he could become the next big thing in porn.  After showing off his new facial hair, the MMA star was inundated with offers to get into X-rated films.

Kennedy is mulling over the offers and has not decided if he will bare all.  Some of the movies he has been asked to star in include:

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive

Takanori Gomi, the legendary fighter from Japan, is changing careers. He’s trading in his MMA gloves for a microphone and hopes to make a career out of being a rapper. His specialty will be gangsta rap.

“I’ve always loved gangsta rap,” Gomi told our Japanese correspondent. “My favorite artists were Tupac and Biggie. I feel like I'll be more successful behind the mic than in the cage. The only way I’m going to beat guys like Clay Guida is by drive-by shooting.”

Gomi, who will be going by the stage name Takanori Homie, used to fight at lightweight. He's put on some pounds since his last fight in the UFC. He also got himself tatted up. Between his big belly and his “Thug Life” tattoo, he looks like a cross between his two favorite rappers. It’s the look that Gomi was going for.

“I couldn’t decide who to emulate, Tupac or Biggie, so I decided to do both,” he explained. “The bad thing is that they had a blood feud going. My first raps are going to be about me hating me. Eventually I may have to bust a cap in my own ass.”

Hopefully, that won’t be for awhile. At least until his first record is released. We wish Takanori Homie the best of luck in his new career.


(Gomi Photoshop by inf0)

(jjj2121 also contributed to this article)

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