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Welcome to Rear Naked Joke, MMA's version of The Onion.  The following articles are not true.  They are fake news articles and are written in jest.

Warning: Some of these articles have been known to make certain MMA fans extremely angry.  Even though they are merely jokes, MMA is serious business...and as a result, I have been berated, insulted, threatened with violence, threatened with death, and threatened with things even worse than death.  If you find yourself getting into a murderous rage while reading these, please close your browser.  

Proceed at your own risk.

Chael_Porno

(Screen shot from Chael Sonnen's new porno flick)

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive

The feud between UFC contender Chael Sonnen and UFC Octagon girl Arianny Celeste is well documented, and quite entertaining.   Chael enjoys tweeking the Playboy Playmate on his Twitter account, and Arianny always fires right back.  Even Playboy founder Hugh Hefner got involved when he blasted Chael at a press conference recently.  But the Chael vs. Arianny Twitter wars took a bizarre turn yesterday when Chael announced that he was "going to make a porno" to spite the popular Ms. Celeste.

"We're going tit for tat," Chael tweeted to Arianny.  "If you're spit, I'm swallow!"

Sonnen then held a press conference announcing the film.   He told reporters that  he was well suited for the role.  "The movie is about me doing what I do best," he explained.  "It's not called wrestlefucking for no reason.  I've made a career out of dry humping guys so this is a natural progression."

The film, which boasts an all-star, all-male cast and is directed by former fighter  Matt "The Law" Lindland, is called Rael Chael in the Tael.  Lindland, who was present at the press conference, said it was a pleasure working with the outspoken UFC star.

"First I laid down the law," he said.  "Then I laid down Chael.  It was that simple."

Although Sonnen is the star, there are other big names in the movie as well.  Famed referee Big John McCarthy is even rumored to have a cameo role.

"Yes, Big John is in the film," Chael confirmed.  "He says, 'Let's get it on' and then we do."

UFC president Dana White was also on hand at the presser and praised Chael's acting.  "This guy is a fucking natural," he said.  "Anderson Silva better watch out, Chael's third hook is deadly."

When a reporter asked about any public relations problems the film could generate, given recent UFC controversies, White brushed the question off.  "Look," he said.  "There's no fucking rape in the fucking movie, okay?  So it's no big deal.  Now fuck off before I kick you in the balls, twice."

MMA reporter Ariel Helwani raised his hand.  "There are some people who are insinuating that this movie is somewhat, to use their word, gay,"  he said.  "Can you address those insinuations?"

"Here's the thing," replied White.  "I got in trouble for calling somebody a faggot one time, okay?  So this film is a great way to reach out to all the fags--I mean gay guys--out there and get them on our side.  The UG is going to love it.  Filmgoers from the UG and Matbattle.com alone will more pay for the production of this movie.   And it will give us street cred with the gay community."

If the film is successful, it's possible more UFC fighters will start acting in these types of films.

"We're hoping to get Brock Lesnar involved," Dana explained.  "We're already working on a script called Brockback Mounting and have big plans for the future.  I'll be tweeting about it soon."

Rael Chael in the Tael is due to be released in peepshows and on video in early 2012. Stay tuned for our reviews of this groundbreaking film.

(Photoshop by Inf0)

mirberries

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

Anderson "The Spider" Silva was mightily impressed by Frank Mir's kimura submission victory over his previously un-submitted Black House teammate Antonio "Big Nog" Nogueira.  Despite the close relationship between Big Nog and the Spider, Silva decided to reach out to Mir and pick his brain about the technique Mir used in his history making sub at UFC 140.

Anderson had to dig deep before finding the nugget of wisdom he sought.

"He's the Nostrildamus of submissions," said Silva.  "Before today I couldn't put my finger on what makes Frank such a good submission fighter, but now I understand.  He really knows how to boogie down in the Octagon. "

When asked if he would start training with Mir, Anderson said, "I don't think so. I respect his skills, but he has a snotty attitude."

Still, it was nice to see Mir and Anderson sharing techniques.  And their meeting will make it that much harder to pick against them in future fights.

(Photoshop by Inf0)

DanaTyson

(This pic was found on Sherdog Forum)

Stop

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

Lawyers for the UFC have recently filed a lawsuit against the United States government over the government's use of octagon-shaped stop signs.  Although stop signs have been in use far longer than the UFC has been in business, the government failed to trademark the shape, which left the door open for the UFC's legal action.

Several years ago the UFC trademarked the shape and they've been successful at preventing competitors from using 8-sided cages.  This lawsuit, however, marks the first time that the organization has sued someone outside the MMA industry.

"Yes, we trademarked a fucking shape," said UFC president Dana White at a press conference announcing the lawsuit.  "The government had years to do it, but didn't bother.  And in this business, if you snooze you fucking lose. "

When reached for comment, Whitehouse spokesman Jay Carney acknowledged the lawsuit and also the difficulties the government faces in fighting it.  "We did approve their trademark request, after all," he told Rear Naked Joke.  "And in retrospect that was probably a mistake.  But we will still vigorously defend the use of 8-sided stop signs.  People are accustomed to the shape and it could become a saftey issue if we are forced to alter that."

When asked if there were any contingency plans should the government lose the lawsuit, Carney said, "We are exploring a diamond-shaped stop sign as an alternate.   We are currently checking to see if major league baseball has filed for a diamond shaped trademark.  If they have, we may just have to replace all stop signs with red lights.  And that could result in higher taxes for everyone.  So this is truly a serious issue."

In a related topic, the UFC has filed a trademark for the word "fucking" which, if approved, could alter the English language.

"That's my fucking word," said UFC president Dana White.  "I'm tired of hearing other people say it.   We plan on going after anyone who fucking uses the fucking word fucking."

Stay tuned to Rear Naked Joked for updates on both of these issues.

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

Rampage Jackson had his charges of subway fare beating dropped and he's back from hiding out in the mountains of Big Bear, California. Now he's in training camp for his title fight against UFC light-heavyweight champion Jon Jones, scheduled for September 24.

Still, controversy seems to follow Rampage everywhere he goes, and he has found himself embroiled in yet another high profile scandal.  This time the big story is his recent allegations that Jon Jones had planted a spy in his camp. Jones and his manager, Malki Kawa, have vigorously denied the accusations, but Rampage stands by them. I did some digging to get to the truth of this matter, and my startling report is below.

There is indeed a spy in the House of Rampage. In fact I spoke with him at length about his spying activities inside Jackson's training camp.   Although I know the identity of the spy, he spoke on the condition of anonymity, so I cannot reveal his name.   He even went so far as to insist on wearing a mask and disguising his voice, despite the fact that the interview would be written.

My first question for the confessed spy was: "Why?"

"That's something that I've been asking myself for weeks." he replied. "Rampage is a friend of mine. Betraying him like this is killing me."

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive

Fighters juicing is a big no-no in mixed martial arts, and suspensions are handed out regularly to those who break the rules. No such rules apply to MMA commentators, however, and the sport's Biggest Juice Head award goes to none other than Michael "The Voice" Schiavello.

The Voice is a popular commentator originally from Down Under. His colorful language and supremely high energy have been entertaining combat sports fans for years, and he can be seen regularly on HDNet. Now, in this RNJ exclusive, we go inside The Voice to uncover the secrets of his unbounded energy.

RNJ: Good evening, Voice. Thanks for taking the time.

Voice: My pleasure. It's great to be here. Greater than Alexander! Greater than Scott! Greater than...

RNJ: Got it. Excellent. I want to talk a bit about your preparation before you commentate. You're always juiced up during the broadcasts. How do you do it?

Voice. Ah yes. The juice. I love juice. I love juice more than Kimbo loves bread! More than Joe Rogan loves weed! More than Roy Nelson loves food! More than--

RNJ: Okay, understood. But what kind of juice is it?

Voice: The best kind. It's real juice. Electricity, that is, straight from an electric chair. I have my own portable version that amps me up. Literally.  I get more amped than a Jimmy Page guitar! More juiced than the state of Florida! More jazzed than a Miles Davis trumpet!

RNJ: Wow, that's nuts.

Voice: It is nuts. It's nuttier than an all-male gang bang! Nuttier than a bowl of Grape Nuts! Nuttier than--

RNJ: Got it. Now, during the process of juicing, which looks like it hurts, what's going through your head?

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

Strikeforce CEO Scott Coker's life seems to have taken a turn for the bizarre. Before the UFC purchase of his organization, Coker was sitting pretty atop the MMA world. Strikeforce was doing well as the second biggest MMA promotion behind the UFC and the future never looked brighter. Even after the sale to Dana White and the Fertitta brothers, Coker's life seemed perfect.

However all that has changed. Scott Coker is now a very different man. He's broken and battered, and sadly a raging alcoholic. The low point in his life was reached when he drunkenly joined the Russian army.

We spoke to Coker yesterday in an attempt to see exactly why things had turned out so badly for him.

"Things aren't bad", he told us, his voice slurred. "Things are fucking great!"

Then he started crying, and after several minutes of wretched sobbing, he confessed.

"Oh hell," he cried. "My life is a disaster now!" He paused to gather his wits. "You know," he continued. "After I sold out to Zuffa, I was on top of the world. Dana White showed me a lot of respect during the negotiations, and then, once we closed, I became his right hand man. The joke around the UFC was that I was Dana White's Mini-Me, and I loved that role. It was awesome. But soon things started changing. There was less and less for me to do. I became marginalized. They stopped inviting me to the meetings and Dana even stopped taking my calls."

floriankurt

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:

Kurt "Batman" Pellegrino's new UFC figurine is startlingly life-like.  Unlike many of the figurines on the marketplace, you don't have to puzzle over it to determine exactly who it is.  UFC title contender Kenny Florian showed off the new figurine at a press conference yesterday.  He too was floored by the dolls amazing life like properties.

"It's a bit too real," Kenny said at the presser.  "Not only did the doll bite me, it crapped its diaper and now it stinks really, really bad.  I don't think I like this thing.  It's giving me the creeps."

Florian tried to hand off the figurine, to Dana White, but the Pellegrino doll threw a tantrum, so Kenny was stuck baby sitting it throughout the entire press conference.

This limited edition doll, which comes with its own mouthpiece/pacifier, is not yet available for purchase.  We'll keep you updated as to its release date.

v001

A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive

The long time animosity between UFC president Dana White and M-1 Global CEO Vadim Finkelstein is no secret.  Dana, who refers to the M-1 Global team as "crazy Russians," has taken every opportunity to bash M-1 on his Twitter account, and also to bash M-1's biggest star, MMA legend Fedor Emelianenko.

What is not well known, however, is the source of the rift.  Most fans assume the animosity between White and Finkelstein has to do with M-1 Global's insistence on co-promoting any UFC event that involved Fedor.  But that actually has very little to do with it.  The real reason the two men don't get along is because of a fight they had scheduled, between themselves, back in 2006, at the height of Fedor's career in Pride.

Earlier, White and Finkelstein had lengthy discussions about Fedor coming over to the UFC for a super fight with then champion Tim Sylvia.  The talks never produced any results, however, which led to frustration on the part of both parties.  Eventually, the talks turned into arguments , and things got very heated.  As a result, White and Finkelstein decided to settle their differences once and for all...in the ring.

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