A RearNakedJoke Exclusive:
As we reported recently, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson was photographed allegedly jumping the turnstile at a Los Angeles subway station in order to beat the fare. An All Points Bulletin was released, and authorities urged Jackson to turn himself in. The former UFC champion eluded capture, however, and remained at large, reportedly living in the rugged mountain area near Big Bear, California, subsisting on nothing but crickets, canned energy drinks and an old Punishment Athletics T-shirt that he’d found half-buried beneath a tree.
However, in a startling twist to the story, it turns out that the perpetrator of the subway incident was not Rampage Jackson at all. Arrested this morning was one Antoine “Rapepage” Jackson, a man who shares Quinton’s last name and bears a startling resemblance to the MMA star, but is of no relation.
Red-faced authorities have dropped all charges against the real Quinton Jackson, and have issued an apology to both the fighter and to the UFC. However, UFC president Dana White feels the apology does not go far enough.
At a hastily called press conference today, White said, “A fucking apology? Are you fucking kidding me? Rampage is supposed to be training for his title shot against Jon Jones. Meanwhile, he’s up at Big fucking Bear, hiding out. And then you’ve got Jones, who should be training at Jackson’s in Arizona, in California hunting down Rampage instead. And these bozo cops are saying they fucking apologize? Fuck them. I’m pulling their credentials. Next time we’re in California, I’ll use rent a cops for security.”
At the time of this writing, Rampage Jackson is still unavailable for comment. However, Antoine Jackson did release a statement from his jail cell. He said, “Hide your soap, hide your asses, cause I’m gonna be raping everybody up in here.”
If and when Rampage Jackson resurfaces, we’ll bring you all the details. Stay tuned.
(Photoshop by Inf0)