Pictorial Demonstration of the "Side Check Kick" Referenced by James Toney

I was a bit heartbroken and disappointed when the MMA community ridiculed James Toney after he mentioned to Dana White that he was intimately familiar with and had specifically focused on defending the "Side Check Kick" in his training preparations.

In the picture above, I adorn my most luxurious barhopping outfit and flawlessly demonstrate the "Side Check Kick" technique.  One can clearly notice the look of stark and abject horror washing over the face of my would-be assailant as he becomes confused about his entire life and musters up all of his available willpower to sprint out of my geriatric striking range, ala' Wanderlei Silva vs. Tito Ortiz.

What's that?  You egotistically theorize that you're simply able to brush-off the proven devastation of the side-check kick on account of your Muay Thai, Krav Maga, or other modern day defense techniques?  Foolish elitist. 

In the scenario above, the pervert is overwhelmed with sexual urges and advances forward to reach out and fondle my breasts while making indecipherable and guttural grunting noises.  Like a searing bolt of barbed lightning vacuum-sealed in spandex, I coil like a cobra and unload a patella-pulverizing "Side Check Kick" mid-way up his pleated Dockers.  To repel the pederast:  after unleashing the merciless assault, I just break the wrist, and walk away.  You'll block it every time.

Finally, in the all-too-common setting where an aspiring molester attempts to initiate a more stealthy advance to look up your skirt or engage in uninvited heavy petting while scampering forward, cloaked in the stealth of the unexpected butt-scoot position, start out by assuming the Pouncing Mongoose stance.

Locate the unsightly villain's genitals, and plant a fight-ending "Side Check Kick" directly into them, Chute Boxe style, all the while maintaining textbook form to ward off any counter-attacks from the crabs or herpes that might be aggressively seeking revenge in order to rescue the ghastly cad on which they so disgustingly abide.

I think you'll all agree that this definitively proves the worth and functional self-defense capabilities of the "Side Check Kick", and you may all owe one Mr. James Toney a heartfelt apology. 

I was hoping to see Mr. Toney put his elaborate defensive techniques to use in the octagon, but it looks like Dana White's offer for Toney to fight in the UFC was "a joke", which is, at least, something we know the "Side Check Kick" is not.