A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive
Fighters juicing is a big no-no in mixed martial arts, and suspensions are handed out regularly to those who break the rules. No such rules apply to MMA commentators, however, and the sport's Biggest Juice Head award goes to none other than Michael "The Voice" Schiavello.
The Voice is a popular commentator originally from Down Under. His colorful language and supremely high energy have been entertaining combat sports fans for years, and he can be seen regularly on HDNet. Now, in this RNJ exclusive, we go inside The Voice to uncover the secrets of his unbounded energy.
RNJ: Good evening, Voice. Thanks for taking the time.
Voice: My pleasure. It's great to be here. Greater than Alexander! Greater than Scott! Greater than...
RNJ: Got it. Excellent. I want to talk a bit about your preparation before you commentate. You're always juiced up during the broadcasts. How do you do it?
Voice. Ah yes. The juice. I love juice. I love juice more than Kimbo loves bread! More than Joe Rogan loves weed! More than Roy Nelson loves food! More than--
RNJ: Okay, understood. But what kind of juice is it?
Voice: The best kind. It's real juice. Electricity, that is, straight from an electric chair. I have my own portable version that amps me up. Literally. I get more amped than a Jimmy Page guitar! More juiced than the state of Florida! More jazzed than a Miles Davis trumpet!
RNJ: Wow, that's nuts.
Voice: It is nuts. It's nuttier than an all-male gang bang! Nuttier than a bowl of Grape Nuts! Nuttier than--
RNJ: Got it. Now, during the process of juicing, which looks like it hurts, what's going through your head?
Voice: About 20,000 volts, mate! (laughs). And it does hurt, but it's worth it. While I'm under, I go to a special place in my own mind. Sometimes during the process I feel like a school girl with a secret crush.
Voice: Other times I feel like I'm sitting on top of the world.
Voice: Juicing gives me an epic feeling of Biblical proportion!
Voice: All in all, it's a scream!
Voice. And then afterwards, I feel reborn.
Voice: Not to beat a dead horse or anything, but I love that stuff!
RNJ: That's quite a story. You seem almost addicted.
Voice: I am addicted. Gloriously addicted! It's like smoking crack. And I've got lots of crack. More crack than the Liberty Bell! More crack than a New York City sidewalk! More crack than Butterbean's ass! More crack--
RNJ: Michael, we're out of time. Thank you for the interview.
Voice: You're very welcome. More welcome than penicillin at a syphilis camp! More welcome than a pair of goggles at a bukkakke party! More welcome than Justin Beiber at a UFC event! More welcome than...
Fade to black.
(Note: These 'Shops and GIFs were based on a pic I took of Michael Schiavello at a Strikeforce event. They come courtesy of the vivid imagination and artistry of various UG artists, including MMA's premier GIF maker, Gordo.)