MMA Fan Fiction

 

June 28, 2010. Stary Oskol, Russia.

Deep in the bowels of a heavily guarded government-owned warehouse on the outskirts of Stary Oskol, in a basement sub-level laboratory located 12 floors underground, Fedor Emelianenko lies motionless on a workbench. He is in "sleep" mode now, his dilithium-crystal power supply having been removed by a team of scientists. Fedor is completely intact, except for his right hand, which lies beside him, its synthetic bio-skin flayed back, revealing the circuitry and computer processors located within its metal-skeleton framework.

The scientists survey the scene. One of them, Dr. Boris Sidorov, uses a line from the old TV show The Six Million Dollar Man. "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him," he says.   “We have the technology.”

If he's expecting a laugh, he's disappointed. His remark is ignored by the other 4 scientists in the laboratory and by the half dozen M-1 Global personnel present. It does, however, catch the attention of General Andreev, who winces at the attempt at levity.

"Now is not the time for jokes, Comrade," says Andreev to Dr. Sidorov. "If you enjoy old American TV shows to that extent, perhaps you will enjoy to be Gilligan? Except your island will be located on the Siberian tundra instead of in the South Pacific."

Dr. Sidorov goes white. "I'm sorry, General. I don't know what came over me."

Business is War

The Inside Story of the UFC’s Acquisition of Pride FC

In March of 2007, the owners of the Ultimate Fighting Championship completed a deal to purchase their biggest MMA rival, Japan’s Pride Fighting Championships. It took a full year of intense negotiation to get the deal done, and there was much behind the scenes drama, intrigue, death and destruction. Now, for the first time ever, the true story of this historic deal is revealed.

January, 2007.

An incessant ringing woke me from my slumber. I looked at the clock: 3AM. Who the hell is this, I wondered as I reached for the phone. “TheGARV here.”

“Garv. I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“No problem. I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.” The pause on the other end was interminable. “Who is this?” I said.

“It’s me, Garv. Dana.  Dana fucking White.”

“Dana, it’s 3AM.”

“It’s only fucking midnight.”

You gotta be kidding me, I thought.  “Where are you?”

“Vegas.”

“Well, I’m in New York City, okay? And I need to get back to sleep. What do you need?”

By this time there was a stirring in the bed. The call was disturbing not only me, but also Scarlett Johanssan and Jessica Beil. I told Dana to hold on while I got out of bed and took the call in the study.

“This better be important.”

“It is important, Garv. I’m in deep fucking shit here and I need your help.”

Now that I was fully awake, I could hear the tension in Dana’s voice.

“What’s going on?” I said.

Dana explained that he and the Fertitta brothers were in talks to buy Japan’s Pride Fighting Championship. They felt a merger would allow them to dominate the MMA market share.

“So what’s the problem?”

“The problem is the fucking Yakuza. These guys are fucking crazy. They’re fucking kamikazes.”

“No shit,” I said. I’d had my own dealings with the Yaks, and they were anything but warm and fuzzy.

Dana went on, “But that’s not all. The fucking Mob is a big fucking problem too. They're supposed to be on our side, but these fucking goombahs can’t swallow their fucking pride just once to secure a deal. At the last meeting with Sakakibara, they almost started a fucking shooting war with the fucking Yakuza goons. Both sides are just too fucking trigger happy, which means I’m fucked.”

I still didn’t see how I fit into the picture. “What does this have to do with me?”

“I don’t want to fucking die!” Dana shouted into the phone.

Dead Serious

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