A Rear Naked Joke Exclusive:
Los Angeles--Chael Sonnen, the embattled UFC middleweight contender, recently took a shot at beloved UFC Octagon girl and Playboy Playmate Arianny Celeste. At a press conference before UFC 132, Sonnen shocked the crowd when he said of Ms. Celeste: "I don't mean to be rude to a girl, some guys like that short, fat hips thing."
When informed of the comment, Arianny took the high road, saying that she thought it was “cute” that Chael “was looking for a reaction.”
If a reaction was Sonnen’s goal, he succeeded wildly, because Playboy founder Hugh Hefner just weighed in with some scathing comments of his own.
Hefner held a press conference earlier today to announce his new position as spokesman with Pfizer, the makers of Viagra. After answering some hard questions about his new role, Hefner was asked about Sonnen’s comments.
“Is Chael Sonnen really man enough to be disparaging Playboy Playmates?” Hefner asked. “His testosterone levels say no. Maybe he should quit while he’s ahead, like he did in the Anderson Silva fight. “
Hefner, who was in his trademark silk pajamas, then introduced an attorney who, for ninety minutes, detailed all of Chael’s crimes, both alleged and convicted, including any and all felonies, misdemeanors, personal indiscretions, and even some unsubstantiated rumors and innuendo.
Hefner was then asked if he was a fan of mixed martial arts. “Mixed martial arts?” he said. “Come again?”
“You know, the UFC,” a reporter answered. “ Ultimate fighting.”
“Oh that. Yes, of course. Big fan! I adore watching the ring girls work. Arianny and Chandella are delightful. Like chocolate and vanilla creampuffs. I could gum their tender flesh all day. In fact, they’re the reason I took the Viagra gig.”
There was a short delay as Hef turned to one of the Playboy Bunnies with him at the podium and started making out with the young lady. Several reporters vomited at the sight and one fainted. Eventually he turned back to the crowd of journalists, and wiped away the spittle running down his chin. He re-lit his pipe. “Now where were we?”
“The UFC,” someone said.
“Ah, yes. I’m a big fan. Of the girls. The fights, not so much."
Hefner laughed. “Because it’s basically two half naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor humping each other. And that’s something that doesn’t interest me or my readers.” He let out a cloud of smoke. “It could also be the reason that Chael can’t get it up for the ladies.”
“Are you saying that Chael is gay?” asked one reporter.
Hefner shrugged. “Let’s just say that the last time I saw Chael Sonnen, he had his face buried in Anderson Silva’s crotch. And didn’t he just say that Tito Ortiz is ‘dreamy?’ You do the math.”
More questions came from the crowd, but Hefner declined to answer. “It’s been more than four hours,” he said. “I need to see a doctor.” He then turned and left the podium.
Sonnen could not be reached for comment, but it is assumed that he’s huddling with his speech writers, working on a witty retort.
We’ll have more on Hugh Hefner’s “sonning” of Chael Sonnen as it develops.
(Photoshop courtesy of the UG)